Tips for Good Campfire Skits

We’ve all seen this before - A group of boys around the campfire are putting on a skit. Most of them can’t be heard. Those you can hear forget their lines. The punch line is smothered in the actors' giggles. Then there is an embarrassing silence before it dawns on the audience that the thing is over, and a patter of polite applause begins.

These suggestions should make your future skits more successful.

1. make sure everyone knows their part. It only needs to be an outline not a full script as scouts can use their own words BUT they need to know what they have to get over to the audience. Provide only an outline, not written lines.

2. Project your voices so everyone can hear you, especially if outdoors. Rehearse to get this right.

3. Deliver the punch line with feeling and volume. Often you can hear the boys right through the skit except at the end which is often the most important bit. Face the audience and deliver the punchline clearly.

4. Keep props to a minimum, they get in the way.

5. Use a dramatic punctuation mark to end the skit. If nothing else, line up the patrol for a bow or make sure your leader knows what the end is.

6. Face the audience right the way through so they can see and hear you.

7. Relax and have a good time. It’s supposed to be fun, skits are intended to make the audience groan out loud and then laugh like mad things.   

By the way – a skit is any sketch or some other funny item performed at a campfire which is not a song.

The Ugliest Man in the World

It requires 5 people ( one with a towel over head, 2 customers, one announcer, and a leader)

ANNOUNCER:

"come one come all see the ugliest man in the world!"

CUSTOMER 1:

(walks by)

ANNOUNCER:

"you sir would you like to see the ugliest man in the world it only costs one dollar!"

CUSTOMER 1:

"sure" ( hands announcer a dollar, lifts up the towel, screams, and runs away)

CUSTOMER 2:

does the same thing

CUSTOMER 3:

( a scoutmaster or something) does basically the same thing but instead the ugly man screams and runs away

This can also be run using the theme Smelliest, worst breath, etc

Three Scout Leaders

The scene is that three scout leaders are sitting around the campfire swapping yarns, after having had a little too much of the amber nectar to drink.

1st leader:

These scouts today don't know they're born. I can remember the scout hut that we had. There was a hole in the roof, which let the water in when it were raining.

2nd leader:

A roof with a hole in it, that were luxury. We had an old tarpaulin sheet slung over the rafters. Us older lads had to hang onto it during the meetings, case it blew away in the wind.

3rd leader:

Rafters, now theres a luxury. When I was a scout our hut had no roof at all, and we kept out the rain with some old bits of sack, held up with twigs.

1st leader:

Twigs, TWIGS, we couldn't get twigs. We had to get the smallest scouts to  hold the roof up with their bare hands. Those were the days.

2nd leader:

I remember when us lads used to go to camp. We loaded all our gear onto an old army truck and drove to the campsite singing songs.

3rd leader:

We had no time for singing. We used to pull all our gear along on an old cart with wooden wheels. And the wheels used to get bogged down in the mud.

1st leader:

A cart with wheels, now that’s what I call a luxury. All we had were an old second hand torn cardboard box to put all our camping gear in, and when it rained all our gear would get soaking wet, fall into the mud and then we’d get hypothermia cos our clothes were all soaking. But we were happy.

2nd leader:

Yes, those were the days.

3rd leader:

We had some nice tents though, big green six man patrol tents.

1st leader:

Six man patrol tents , luxury, our tents were so small, you had to sleep sitting up.

2nd leader:

We didn't have any tents at all in my troop. All we had was an old Tesco carrier bag, used of course. We used to curl up in a hole that we'd dug in the ground, and cover ourselves with. But we were happy.

3rd leader:

We couldn't afford a hole in the ground, we used to sleep in a puddle.

1st leader:

Yes these Scouts today don't know they're born, but if you told them all these things they would never believe you!

Glass of Water

There is a glass of water in the middle of the stage. First scout crawls across the floor crying for water. He dies dramatically shortly after beginning his crawl. The second person dies just short of the glass of water. The third person on his last bit of strength really hams up his desperation as much as he can. He reaches the water, takes out a comb, grooms his hair with the water, sighs with relief and goes off stage.

The Lawnmower

(One participant is on his hands and knees as the mower.)

Owner :

(Yanking imaginary rope, while mower sputters) This darned old mower, I can't get it going. I need some help. (Gets help from another participant.)

Helper #1:

So you just want me to yank on this rope, and get it started ? That's easy ! (Yanking rope)

Mower :

(Splutters, bobs up and down)

Helper #1:

I'm sorry. I can't seem to do it. Have you checked the gas ?

Owner :

Yes, I have. Thanks anyway. Well, let's see who else has a strong arm. (Selects another participant) What I need you to do is to give a real good yank on the starting rope and make it run.

Helper #2 :

Sure thing. (Yanks rope a couple of times.)

Mower :

(Bobs up and down, sputters, coughs)

Helper #2 :

Sorry, I can't do it either.

Owner :

What I need is someone big and strong (Selects a Leader) (Leader will probably make some comments, but let him talk and get him to pull the rope)

Mower :

(Splutters, coughs, starts to vibrate and run)

Owner :

There. All it needed was a real jerk.

St. Peter

Announcer :

Here we see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Ian :

(Walks up to St. Peter) Hello, St. Peter. I see I've come to Heaven.

St. Peter :

Well, you're not in yet ! First you've got to tell me how you suffered on Earth.

Ian :

Well, I spent a week eating camp food.

St. Peter :

I'm sorry, you haven't suffered enough. (Ian exits dejectedly.)

Doug :

(Enters) Hi, I'm here to get into Heaven.

St. Peter :

Fine, fine. And how have you suffered ?

Doug :

I went on a long hike and got blisters all over my feet.

St. Peter :

Sorry. That's not enough suffering to get into Heaven. (Doug exits)

Brad :

(Enters) Can I get into Heaven ?

St. Peter :

How did you suffer ?

Brad :

I'm in (Pick a PL who can take a joke)’s patrol

St. Peter :

Well, come on in !!

Reggie and the Colonel

Characters:

Reggie, big, dumb, Bermudas, high socks, safari hat, glasses, down on nose, moustache, carries gun in front of him.

Colonel:

short, limp, monocle, no gun, just small knapsack, has cane.

Scene:

Walking in place through darkest Africa, speaking pronounced English accent.

Colonel:

(excited, jumping and pointing with cane) Reggie, look... Did you see it, Reggie ??????

Reggie:

See what??! No, no, where, where ??

Colonel:

Oh, Reggie, It was a beautiful condor, 8 foot wing span, beautiful colors.

Reggie:

No. I didn't see it.

Colonel:

Wish You'd pay closer attention. (They continue walking).

Colonel:

Did you see it, Reggie?

Reggie:

No, what?

Colonel:

A spotted Zebra...Wish you'd pay closer attention.

Colonel:

(later) Did you see it, Reggie?? Did you see it?

Reggie:

No I missed it ... what was it?

Colonel:

An ooh-aah bird.

Reggie:

Ooh-aah bird. What's a ooh aah bird??

Colonel:

An ooh-aah bird is a 2 pound bird that lays a 3 pound egg, like this: Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh-aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (face lights up). (continue walking).

Reggie:

Whispers to audience: Next time I'll say yes - pretend like I saw it. I'll fool him.

Colonel:

Reggie, Reggie did you see it! (excited)

Reggie:

I saw it, I saw it!

Colonel:

Then why in heaven's name did you step in it? !!!

Court

Guy brought in - "I'm innocent! I was just picking up pebbles on the beach!" Two or more come in with similar stories. last person comes on stage either a guy dressed like a girl or a girl, saying, "Hi, i'm Pebbles", in an alluring manner.

My School's on Fire

Scout wanders through area several times holding a glass of water: When asked what he is doing, he replies that the school is on fire. Leader: How do you expect to put the fire out with a tiny glass of water? "Boy answers, "this ain't water, it's petrol.

Lunch Break

Props:

Lunch bags

Announcer:

We see here a construction site. It is now lunch time, and two friends are about to eat.

Worker 1:

(Opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhhh !! Egg salad sandwiches again !

Worker 2:

Look, if you hate them that bad, I'll swap with you. (Both pretend to eat, then exit.)

Announcer:

The next day.

Worker 1:

(Enters with Worker 2, opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhhh !!! Egg salad sandwiches again !

Worker 2:

O.K... I'll trade with you again. (Both pretend to eat, then exit.)

Announcer:

The next day.

Worker 1:

(Enters with Worker 2, opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhh !! Egg salad sandwiches again !

Worker 2:

(Angrily) Look, if you don't like egg salad sandwiches, why don't you ask your (wife/mom/significant other) to make something else ?

Worker 1:

My (wife/mom/significant other)?? She's got nothing to do with it. I make my own sandwiches !

A Walk in the Woods

Requires two kids (that's about it)

the two kids start walking from one side of the of the stage

first kid:

"wait, i have to go to the bathroom" stops at a bush or, if done inside, stops at a pretend bush, turning his back to the audience, after a few seconds he yells out, "ah!"

second kid:

"what is it?"

first kid:

"a snake bit me"

second kid:

"where did it bite you?"

first kid:

"uh, lets say....where the sun don't shine"

second kid:

"uh, ok, i'll call the hospital on my cell phone", pretends to dial "uh, yeah, my friend was bitten by a snake, what should i do? (waits a if listening to reply) just suck the blood form where it bit him? ok, i'll do that" hangs up the phone and walk toward the first kid

first kid:

"what'd they say!?!"

second kid:

"they said......your gonna die"

Balloon Orchestra

The players in the orchestra each hold a balloon. They blow up their balloons in unison, then let out the air in a squeak at a time to the rhythm of some easily recognized rhythm such as "Blue Danube" or "Jingle Bells". To end the skit all fill their balloons with air and let go at the directors signal.

Camp Coffee

You need a large dixie or billy in the centre of the stage and four scouts.

1st scout

(Walks to billy carrying his mug. He dips his mug in and brings it up to his lips for a drink. )

" THIS CAMP COFFEE IS GETTING WORSE! "

2nd scout

(Walks to billy carrying his mug. He dips his mug in and brings it up to his lips for a drink.)

" THIS CAMP TEA IS GETTING WORSE! "

3rd scout

(Walks to billy carrying his mug. He dips his mug in and brings it up to his lips for a drink. )

" THIS CAMP CHOCOLATE IS GETTING WORSE! "

4th scout

(Walks to billy, dips his hands in and takes out a pair of wet socks. As he wrings them out he says. )

"I THOUGHT THAT WOULD GET THEM CLEAN!"

Listen at the Wall

One person goes along a wall listening and listening. Others come along and ask him what he is doing. He says dramatically, "Listen," and the others do. One of them says, "I don't hear anything", in a disgusted voice. "LISTEN", he says more dramatically and they listen some more. Again someone says, "I don't hear anything." The original listener says, "You know," with a faraway look, "its been like that all day."

Raisins

1st Scout comes out:

Gets down on all fours, pretending to be a table.

2nd Scout comes out:

looks at the table and declares;

"Ahh, a fly, I think I'll pull it's wings off" Proceeds to pick it up, pluck the wings, put it back on the table, and walks off.

3nd Scout comes out:

looks at the fly on the table and says; "Oh, a fly with no wings, I think I'll pull it's legs off", With great precision and animation, picks up the fly, removes it's legs, and puts it back and walks off.

4rd Scout comes out:

looks at the fly and announces; "Say, a fly with no wings and no legs, I think I'll pull it's head off." Then proceeds as the other Scout before him.

Last Scout comes out:

looks at the table, then carefully inspects the object with out picking it up and says very quickly

"A raisin !" and quickly picks it up and puts it in his mouth

The Bell Ringer

Props: Coat with football or wadded clothing under it for the Hunchback, hat or nightstick for Gendarme.

Announcer:

The Hunchback of Notre Dame has decided to retire, and has place an ad in the Paris Times for someone to come and learn how to ring the bells.

Effects:

(Knock, knock, knock)

Hunchback:

(Gravely voice) Oh, somebody must be here about my job. I'll go down and see. (Goes 'round and 'round the campfire, as if going down the bell tower, bent over due to hunch.)

Effects:

(Knock, knock, knock)

Hunchback:

(Angrily) I'm coming, I'm coming. There's a lot of stairs here. (Arrives at and opens the door.)

Hunchback:

Yeah ! What do you want ?

Applicant:

I'm here about the bell ringer's job.

Hunchback:

All right ! Come on up and I'll see if you can do the job. (Begins to go up (the other way around) followed by the applicant.)

Applicant:

Boy, the ceiling is not very high here, is it ?

Hunchback:

Listen, you go up and down these stairs 20 times a day for 45 years and you just learn to stay bent over. Hey, did you close that door, didn't you ?

Applicant:

I don't know. I don't remember.

Hunchback:

Well, we gotta go down and keep it locked, can't run up the church's fuel bill. (Both turn around and go back.)

Hunchback:

That's the first thing you gotta learn. Keep the door closed. Up and down these stairs, that's the hard part. (Arriving at door) O.K., so now you're here, close the door.

Applicant:

(Closes door) How are the benefits in this job ?

Hunchback:

(Both going back up) Well, it has it's ups and downs. The Church board will buy you ear plugs every six months and a new bottle of bell polish once a year. (Finally arriving at the bell) Alright, now you stand over there, and I'll show you how it's done. First you grab the bell here and push it out very hard (steps back and follows path of bell out and back) then the bell comes back on it's own. That's all there is to it. Do you think you can do that ?

Applicant:

Sure ! (does the action with the bell, but does not step back, is hit by bell in the face and falls back, to the ground)

Hunchback:

Oh my gosh ! He's fallen 15 stories to the pavement. I'd better get down there. (Goes 'round and 'round until he reaches the ground) (Crowd enters mumbling, stops astonished at body)

Gendarme:

(Entering, calls to Hunchback) Hey you ! Do you know this guy ? (Rolls body over with foot)

Hunchback:

No, but his face sure rings a bell !

The Flea

Boys standing in a line, first boy scratches, then second on down the line. They blame the last boy for allowing his pet flea to escape. Eventually the last boy feels it and says: Oh there you are Marvin, I've been looking all over for you. You've got to stop hopping around, Marvin

(The boy acts as though Marvin has hopped away) you come back here. (goes out into the audience looking and touching people and ‘finds’ Marvin on a meber of the audience) There you are Marvin, you've got to stay here (looks at pretend flea)

Hey hang on, you aren't Marvin, (puts it back on the audience member and runs off shouting Marvin, Marvin…..)

Extra bit  – he then finds Marvin – “hey everyone, lets have a big round of applause for Marvin’ (Begins to clap, then stops, horrified, realizing what he's done.)

The Important Papers

The setting can be either a king or a boss in his office who beckons to a courtier or assistant that he wants his royal or important papers. The person runs in with a sheath of papers, the king or boss quite agitated tosses them aside and demands that they bring him his important papers. Other people bring in other things one at a time such as a Boy Scout Handbook etc. the king throws them aside and gets more and more upset demanding that he have his important papers. At last the some one comes in with a roll of toilet paper (court jester, office boy etc.). The king knights him or the boss promotes him thanking him profusely and runs off the stage in visible relief.

The Little Green Ball

This one is soooooooo old. First scout comes on and says 'Oh no I've lost it' He then starts to search around on the floor. Second scout comes in and asks what he is looking for. First scout replies that he has lost his little green ball. Both scouts continue searching the floor. Several more scouts come on and are told about the lost little green ball. even members of the audience can be persuaded to join in the search. After enough time has been dragged out, the first scout, sticks a finger up his nose and says "Don't worry I will have to make another one" YUK!!!!!

Doctors Surgery

Characters required: - 1 doctor and four patients

Props required: two chairs

Scene begins with doctor sitting on one of the chairs. First patient enters twitching their left arm.

DOCTOR: 'And what's wrong with you sir?'

Patient 1: 'As you can see doctor I have this terrible twitch'

DOCTOR: 'Just sit on my magic chair and you'll get better'

The patient sits on the chair and stops twitching, but the doctor's left arm starts twitching.

Patient 1: 'Oh thank you doctor. you cured me'

The patient leaves, the doctor still twitching calls for the next patient.

DOCTOR: ' Next '...... 'And what's wrong with you sir?'

This patient has the hiccups. The process of sitting in the chair is repeated. The doctor now has a twitch and the hiccups.

The third patient is called in, both his legs keep flicking in the air. The process is again repeated so that the doctor now has a twitching arm the hiccups and both legs flicking in the air.

The doctor now calls patient four. This patient looks quite normal, enters and sits in the magic chair.

DOCTOR: 'And what may I ask is wrong with you sir?'

Patient 4: 'I've got a terrible case of the trots doctor' The doctor runs off the stage holding his stomach.

The Short Runway

Number of Participants:

2 (If more are desired, they can be passengers, with suitable sound effects and actions.)

Props:

Seating for pilot and co-pilot, and for passengers if required. A compass.

Announcer:

This scene is on board a very low budget airline.

Pilot :

Well, are we anywhere near the airport, co-pilot ?

Co-Pilot :

(peering out the window) I don't know... I see lights over there to the port. That's likely it. Bring 'er around and have a look.

Pilot :

(lurching plane hard to the left) Boy, I can't tell. I wish the company would buy us some instruments.

Co-Pilot :

(pulling compass from pocket) Oh, I've got my trusty compass and the sun went down about 20 minutes ago, so we've got to be on course. (Excited) Look, see that spot down there, that must be it.

Pilot :

Okay, here we go. Give me 20 degrees flaps, I'm going in. (Puts plane into a nose dive, sound effects.)

Pilot :

This is going to be tough. Give me more flaps, cut back the engines. (Louder) More flaps, less throttle !

Co-Pilot :

(Appropriate actions and sounds, acting panicky.)

Pilot :

QUICK, cut the engines, give me brakes. MORE BRAKES !

Both :

(Sighs of relief) We're down, we made it !

Pilot :

Boy that was a short runway !

Co-Pilot :

(Looking right, then left) Yep, but look how wide it is!

Dorothy Perkins

Number of participants: 4 or more

Props: Articles of clothing

# 2 enters and passes # 1, wearing a hat.

# 1:

"Where did you get the hat ?"

# 2:

"Dorothy Perkins."

#3 enters and passes # 1 carrying a pair of pants.

# 1:

"Where did you get the new pants ?"

# 3:

"Dorothy Perkins."

Others enter carrying new articles of clothing and offer similar explanations. Finally # 4 enters wearing just underwear.

# 1:

"Who do you think you are dressed like that ?"

# 4:

"I'm Dorothy Perkins !"

The Lost Penny

Scene:

One person acts as a lamp post, shining a flashlight on the ground. Another is groping around in the pool of light. (He's # 1).

A third person enters, sees # 1, and asks:

"What are you looking for ?"

# 1:

"A penny that I lost".

He joins # 1, and helps him search. A fourth and fifth enter and repeat the above scene.

Finally one of them asks # 1:

"Where did you loose the penny ?"

# 1:

(Pointing away) "Over there".

Boy:

"Then why are you looking here ?"

# 1:

"Because the light is better over here !"

Rubbish

Scene: 1st scout walks to center of stage and starts talking in a loud voice.

1st scout:

"Empty cornflakes packet, banana skin, old tin can, bottle top, sweet wrappers, broken bottle, moldy cheese, milk carton."

2nd scout:

(Enters) "Say, what do you think you're doing?"

1st scout:

"I'm talking a load of old rubbish."

Spelling

The Dead Body

Scene:

One person lying on the ground, dead. Another sees him and runs for the telephone and, panicking.

Gasps:

"Police, there's a dead person here... Where ? .... Un, (looking for a sign), "I'm in Ystra …  Ystrad…. Ystradgyn…. Spell it ?... Uh, Y-s-t-lk... Uh, Y-s-t-r- a" (confused), "Just a minute, I'll drag him over to Neath!"

The Lost Lollipop

(Small boy is sitting, crying)

Passer-by #1:

(Enters) What's wrong little boy, why are you crying?

Boy :

(Sobbing) I lost my lollipop !

Passer-by #1:

Have you looked for it ?

Boy :

(Continues to sob) Oh, yes, I've looked under my bed, in my sock drawer, and even in Charlie's pocket.

Passer-by #1:

I've heard that chanting often works. You think very hard about the lollipop until you can see it in your mind, and chant 'lollipop' over and over again.

Boy :

(Closing eyes tightly) Big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop.

Passer-by #1:

(Nods approval and strolls out)

Boy :

(Continues chanting for a while, then starts crying again)

Passer-by #2:

(Enters) What's wrong, little boy ?

Boy :

(Sobbing) I lost my lollipop, and I hunted and hunted, then this man told me to chant, and I did, and it didn't work !

Passer-by #2:

Chanted ?

Boy :

Yeah, like this (Demonstrates, then starts to cry)

Passer-by #2:

Don't cry little boy. Maybe we need more help.

Boy :

(Turns to audience) You're my only help to get my lollipop back. Everybody, very softly now, chant with me, "Big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop." (Gets everyone doing it in unison) Great ! I think it's working, keep going now.

Passer-by #1:

(Re-enters) Hi little boy. Did it work ?

Boy :

(Loudly) No, it didn't, but I did find a whole lot of suckers !

Bee Sting

1st scout: "OOOOOUCH , OOOOOH , OOOUCH."

2nd scout: "What's the matter with you?"

1st scout: "A bee's stung my thumb."

2nd scout: "Try putting some cream on it then."

1st scout: "But the bee will be miles away by this time

Measurement Problem

(Two Scouts come on stage carrying a long pole. They prop it up, then stand back and look at it.)

Scout 1: Now, there are several ways we can figure out the height of this pole. How do you want to start?

(The Scouts unsuccessfully try various methods of estimation to calculate the height of the pole. The conversation goes something like....)

Scout 1: According to my calculations, that pole is about 2 m high.

Scout 2: There's no way. It has got to be shorter than that. Just look at it.

(This kind of exchange repeats several times as the Scouts obviously become more and more exasperated. A Cub strolls onto the stage.)

Cub: Hi! (he watches a bit) What are you guys trying to do?

Scout 2: We're trying to measure the exact height of this pole.

Scout 1: We haven't had too much luck, yet, but we'll get it.

Cub: Why don"t you just lay the pole on the ground and measure its length

Scout 1: (scornfully) Cubs!

Scout 2: I'11 say. (To the Cub) Didn't you hear right? We want to know how tall the pole is - not how long it is!

The Enlarging Machine

PROPS: A blanket (or on stage a large piece of cardboard on which is drawn a machine, with a flap in the fkont), a tea spoon and a ladle, a tin mug and a pot.

(Two boys hold up the blanket behind which is the largest boy, who is also the machine operator.)

CIRCUS BARKER: Alright, step right up and see the world's only enlarging machine! For one small dime, one tenth of a dollar, you can try the eighth wonder of the world.

FIRST BOY: [shows everybody his tea spoon] I'I1 give it a try mister. [puts imaginary coin into pocket of hoy holding blanket and cranks his arm]

OPERATOR: [clanking, whirring sounds, throws ladle out]

BARKER: There you are folks, one tiny spoon in, one big spoon out! Who's next?

SECOND BOY: [shows tin mug] Me mister. I'II try it. [puts in imaginary coin, cranks arm]

OPERATOR: [clanking, whirring sounds, throws pot out]

BARKER: Isn't that the marvel of the world. One tiny mug in, one big mug out. Step right up now, who's next?

THIRD BOY (often a volunteer from the audience: [runs up, pretends to spit into the machine) puts in dime, cranks arm,

OPERATOR: [clanking, whirring sounds, and throws a cup of water over the unsuspecting third boy]

Be careful only to pick on someone who can take a joke and will not be upset by this trick. Also, don’t use too much water or you will spoil the evening for the person who gets wet. Have a towel handy.

Doctor! Doctor!

The secret to success with this series of quickies is to keep them moving along. You can have one doctor and different patients, but it may add greater rush and flurry if a different doctor and patient fly in and out for each quickie.

Pat: Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains.

Doc: Pull yourself together!

Pat: Doctor! Doctor! Am I going to die?

Doc: That's the last thing you'll do.

Pat: Doctor! Doctor! Everyone keeps ignoring me.

Doc: Next!

Pat: Doctor! Doctor! My back feels like a deck of cards!

Doc: I'll deal with you later.

Pat: Doctor! Doctor! It hurts when I do this!

Doc: Well don’t do it then!

Pat: Doctor! Doctor! I've got insomnia.

Doc: Don't lose any sleep over it!

Pat: Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.

Doc: Are you choking?

Pat: No, I really did!

Pat: Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses

Doc: You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Pat: Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?

Doc: Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Pat: Doctor, Doctor I've got really bad wind! Can you give me something?

Doc: Yes - here's a kite!

Pat: Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush the toilet a lot.

Doc: Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!

Pat: Doctor, Doctor I can’t say the letters F and T

Doc: Well you can’t say firer than that then can you!

Pat: Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.

Doc: Aaaah, that’s ‘cos you're too tents

Napolean’s Last Farewell

CAST: 2 PROPS: none

SETUP: The narrator walks to the center of the stage and says that he would now like to present for his audience, that historical event, Napoleon`s last farewell to his troops, after his defeat at the battle of waterloo. He builds up the atmosphere, by asking his audience to imagine these thousands of soldiers, weary from days of fighting etc. When this has been built up enough, 'Napoleon' enters, sticks his right hand under the left breast of his jacket, walks forward and says...

Napoleon: (with a big wave) "FAREWELL TROOPS".

The Viper is Coming

CAST: 4 – 7   PROPS: sponge, window squeegee

SETUP: An office setting, the boss is at his desk.

[An assistant runs in and excitedly tells the boss that he has just received a message that the Viper is coming. The boss gets very agitated and upset, repeating the assistant's message. Several others come in repeating the same message. They are all in a state of panic when the last person comes on stage with a squeegee and a sponge.]

The Viper: (in a Transylvanian accent)  "I'm the vindow viper. I've come to clean your vindows. Vhere do I start."

Peanuts

Judge, Bailiff, 3 (or more) Scruffy Guys, Peanuts (person)

Setting: Courthouse

Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! Bring in the first case!

(Bailiff brings in a scruffy guy.)

Judge: What's your problem?

#1: Duh, I like to throw Peanuts against walls! Hic!

Judge: 30 days psychiatric treatment! Next!

Judge: What's your problem?

#2: Duh, I like to throw Peanuts out the window!

Judge: 30 days psychiatric treatment! Next!

(Judge becomes increasingly bored)

Judge: Oh, not another, What's your problem?

#3: Duh, I like to throw Peanuts into a lake!

Judge: 30 days psychiatric treatment! Why do they send me all the loonies,Next!

(Finally the bailiff brings in the last, really scruffy, bloodied, shirt torn, no shoes, so on.)

Judge: What's your problem? (Sigh....)

Peanuts: I'm Peanuts! (Passes out.)

Pass the Pepper

Setting: Family Sitting at the Dinner Table, talking in a very thick Southern Drawl (southern states of the USA).

Ma: Pass the peppa, Pa.

(Goes down the line to Pa, who responds)

Pa: Here's the Black Peppa, Ma.

(Goes down the line to Ma, who responds)

Ma: No, not the Black Peppa, Pa.

(Goes down the line to Pa, who responds)

Pa: Oh. Here's the Chili Peppa, Ma.

(This goes on through different kinds of Peppa i.e., Red Peppa, Green Peppa, Jalapeno Peppa and so on until,)

Ma: Look you guys, can you please pass me the TOILET PEPPA !

All: nodding , aaah OK etc

The Highest Tree climber in the World

2 Friends, HTCITW, tree, book

Setting: Campfire

(Tree climber is hidden in the woods and is able to ruffle a bush or tree.)

1: You know, they say there's this really good tree climber trying out for the Olympics. I wonder if he's practicing around here?

2: Call out and see!

1: Hey! Tree Climber! You around here?

Climber: Yep!

1: You practicing?

Climber: Yep!

1: How high are you?

Climber: Oh, not high. About 100 feet.

1: Wow! Can you go higher?

Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 200 feet.

1: Fantastic! Can you go higher?

Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 275 feet.

1: Neato! Can you go higher?

Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 325 feet.

1: Great! Can you go higher?

Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I'm at about 400 feet.

1: Gee! I'm amazed!

2: Excuse me, Sir, but I have a book here that says that the highest tree in the world is only 360 feet high!

Climber: Ahhhhhh!!!!!! (Thump!)

You Don't Say!

Person on the phone, Friend

Setting: Living Room

Person: (Phone rings, picks it up.) Hello? Yes? You don't say ... You don't say ... You don't say ... You don't say? ... You don't say! ... You don't say. Bye!

Friend: Say, who was on the phone?

Person: He didn't say!

Some Campfire Run-Ons

The style of a run-on is simple. A run-on should in general be prearranged with the person who is supposed to be up there talking. While the leader is talking, a Scout runs on stage doing or saying something, often in a funny voice. The leader responds accordingly, usually in an exasperated way, and the Scout then says the groaner punch line.

The first person calls from out of sight "Hey look! I'm in the top of a 100 foot tall tree."

The second person: "But we don't have any 100 foot tall trees in camp.

First person: "Oh noooo....", screams as he is falling.

1st person: "Excuse me, but is that the sun or the moon?"

2nd person: "I don't know. I'm new to these parts too."

Two Scouts playing quick draw:

1st girl: "My Scout Leader can shoot a gun faster than any man in the West."

2nd girl: "Really?" What do they call her?"

1st girl: "Toeless Alan."

Have two boys drag a third boy across the stage.

The third boy says (loudly): "What a drag!"

Big Chief: Bring in 10 scalps, kill 5 buffalo bare handed, go into desert without water for 30 days, wrestle and skin an alligator, make me boots from alligator skin, steal Akela’s soft toilet paper. Then I will pronounce you Big Brave. You understand?

Indian Brave (in a girly voice): Yes. But what do I do to get pronounced Little Brave?

(Boy runs on interrupting leader): "We interrupt this program for an important news flash." Turns flashlight on and off, shining it in the audience's eyes. Most effective at a campfire.

Scout: I can make you into an old fashioned American Indian.

Leader: How?

Someone walks in pulling a rope behind him.

Leader : Why are you pulling that rope?

Boy: Did you ever try to push one?

Scout 1:(running on stage) "They're after me!"

Scout 2: "Who's after you."

Scout 3: "The squirrels! They think I'm nuts!"

Fortune Teller: "That will be $20 for two questions."

Client: "Isn't that a lot of money for two questions?"

Fortune Teller: "Yes, it is. Now what is your second question?"

Scout walks on pretending to write

Leader: Whatcha doing ?

Scout: Writing a letter to my little brother.

Leader: Why are you writing so slowly?

Scout : Because my little brother can't read very fast!

Scout : Ask me if I'm a rabbit.

Leader: Okay Are you a rabbit?

Scout : Yes. Now ask me if I'm a squirrel.

Leader: Are you a squirrel?

Scout : No, stupid. I already told you I was a rabbit!

Scout walks on carrying a piece of wood

Campfire Leader: What are you doing?

Scout: I'm feeling a little board

Scout walks on carrying a brief case

CL: What are you doing?

Scout: I'm taking my case to court.

(He returns different intervals during the campfire as follows)

Scout walks on with out his case

CL: What are you doing now?

Scout: I lost my case.

Later:

Scout walks on with case on shoulder

CL: What Now?

Scout: I'm taking my case to a higher court.

Later:

Scout walks on pealing an orange

CL: Not you again, what do you want now?

Scout: My case is on a peel.

Scout enters the stage; he's throwing a ball in the air.

CL: What are you doing?

Scout: I'm throwing up.

A scout runs out to the middle of the stage, pauses for a second, and says "Everybody freeze!" Then the scout raises a stick that has been hidden behind his back. After that, the scout says "This is a Stick Up!"

Scout walks on a says to the campfire leader - Two parrots sat on a perch, one say's to the other "Can you smell fish?"  Think about it (walks off)

One Scout walks on stage while the leader is carrying on the meeting, yells: "Help!  Help!  It's all around me!  It's got me surrounded!"

Leader says, "What has you surrounded??"   Scout says, "My belt!!" and walks off.

Scout walks onstage singing:  Soap...soap...soap!

Leader: Now what are you doing?

Scout: Oh, just singing a few bars!

Scout:  Well, the other day a girl rolled her eyes at me.

Leader:  Really?  What did you do?

Scout:  I picked them up and rolled them right back!

There are loads more skits / ketches than this most of which have been hanging around for years. Hopefully these will do to get you started.